Support from others without losing your own direction

Support should strengthen your decision-making

When you’re trying to make a change, people around you can offer experience, encouragement, and useful criticism. But they can also bring comparison and pressure. What matters isn’t how many people you know, but whether your relationships help you understand the situation better.

A mentor doesn’t have to be a famous expert. Sometimes it’s enough to have an experienced person who can point out mistakes, ask good questions, and share what worked for them in a similar situation. Ask for specific help. Instead of “Will you be my mentor?” try: “I’m choosing between two directions. Could you spare twenty minutes and point out any questions I might be overlooking?”

Consider advice in context. What worked for someone with substantial financial support or no family commitments may not suit you. A good adviser offers another perspective; they don’t make the decision for you.

You can support a child, partner, or colleague in a similar way. Rather than constantly judging outcomes, ask about their process: “What did you try? Which part was difficult? What would you change?” With children, offer choices and a safe space to try things, in a way that’s appropriate for their age. Praise or rewards shouldn’t be the only reason for doing something.

Try it out: Choose one person you’d like feedback from. Prepare one specific question and a brief explanation of the context. After the conversation, separate what you learned from the decision you make yourself. That way, your motivation won’t depend on someone else’s approval.