Working with the School

Look for a shared problem, not an opponent

A message comes from school about unfinished homework. Your child says the teacher is unfair, while the teacher describes repeated disruptions. You’re caught between two perspectives. If you immediately take one side against the other, you may miss important information. First, separate what was observed from how it was interpreted.

You could ask your child: “What exactly happened? When did it get hard to keep going?” Ask the teacher practical questions: “In what situations does this keep happening? What has helped so far?” Compare both accounts without needing to decide who’s right.

A shared plan should include one specific action and a way to check whether it helps. For example, your child could write their homework assignments in one place, you could briefly check the instructions together in the evening, and the teacher could report after a week whether assignments are being handed in more consistently. Divide the responsibilities realistically.

Don’t forget to include your child’s perspective. In a way that’s appropriate for their age, they should understand what’s being discussed and be able to say what would help. Cooperation doesn’t mean adults talking about a child without involving them. If there are serious concerns about safety or bullying, though, respond according to the severity of the situation and seek appropriate professional or institutional support.

Try it out: If you’re dealing with a school-related difficulty, prepare three things: an account of what can be verified, a question for the other person, and one possible change to try. This can lead to an agreement rather than an exchange of accusations.