Lead by example, not by pressure

People learn from what you tolerate, too

A manager can encourage the team to speak openly, but if they react irritably to a challenging question, their behaviour sends a different message. Leading by example doesn’t mean being perfect. It means applying the same standards you ask of others to yourself.

When you make a mistake, name it specifically: “I didn’t agree clear priorities, and things became chaotic. Next time, we’ll confirm them at the start.” That shows accountability without putting yourself down unnecessarily. It’s just as important to give others room to point out a risk you’ve overlooked.

Useful feedback describes behaviour and its impact. Instead of “You’re not a team player,” try: “You didn’t share the materials at two meetings, so your colleague couldn’t finish their part. Is anything stopping you from sending them on time?” The question leaves room for an explanation and a follow-up agreement.

When giving praise, say what helped: “Your concise summary saved the customer from needing more explanations.” That makes it easier for people to repeat helpful behaviour. You don’t need to praise every little thing, especially if it would sound insincere.

If you’re responsible for others, don’t try to manage their personal development without agreement. Offer options and support, but respect their different priorities and work boundaries.

Try it out: Choose a recurring situation at work or at home. Prepare specific feedback in this format: what I observed, what impact it had and what we need to agree on.