When you compare yourself with others

Comparisons only show part of the story

A colleague gets promoted, an acquaintance buys an expensive car and someone online is celebrating a remarkable achievement. You might feel envious or unsettled. There’s no need to feel ashamed of that reaction, but it doesn’t mean you should follow the same path.

When you compare yourself with others, you often don’t see what their results cost them: time, risk, support from others or personal priorities. Instead of asking, “Why am I not where they are?”, try asking: “What exactly do I admire about that result, and would I want it if I had to pay the same price?” Perhaps what appeals to you is the freedom to manage your time, not the possessions themselves.

Money and material things aren’t automatically shallow. They can provide security, comfort or opportunities. The problem comes when you set a goal based on someone else’s status that takes you further from what truly matters to you.

It can help to create your own measure in three areas: what you want to maintain, what you want to improve and what you’re not willing to sacrifice. For someone who values family and meaningful work, that might mean maintaining strong relationships, keeping work at a reasonable level and being able to turn down an unsuitable contract.

You can also use comparison constructively—as a way to learn about a useful approach. But don’t adopt someone else’s entire life plan. Their circumstances and values may not be the same as yours.

Try it out: The next time you feel envious, write down exactly what you admire, what you don’t know about the situation and whether you’d accept the price that came with it. Then turn that desire into a goal of your own, if you still want it.