When words and behaviour seem at odds

Notice the difference, but don’t use it as an accusation

Sometimes someone’s words and other behaviour seem at odds: they say the date works, but then go quiet for a long time; they say “that’s fine”, but the conversation suddenly becomes shorter. A mismatch can be an important change in the conversation. But it doesn’t tell you by itself whether the person disagrees, is tired, is thinking or something else is going on.

A helpful response explains why you want to check and leaves room for correction: “You said the date can stay as it is. At the same time, we paused when we got to it. Is there anything that might get in the way that you’d like to check?” This doesn’t call the other person dishonest or try to force an answer on them.

If an important commitment is involved, confirm it verbally or in writing, too. Go over the work involved, the date and who is responsible. Nonverbal behaviour can’t replace an agreement about what needs to happen.

If the other person says the date works for them, you can accept their answer and agree on a practical next step. You don’t need to keep investigating gestures. The goal is to resolve a specific uncertainty, not to prove that your first guess was right.