Listen first, explain later

Your child may not need a solution right away

Imagine your child comes home and says, “Nobody likes me.” Your natural reaction might be to reassure them straight away: “That’s not true.” You may be right, but your child may not feel that you understand what they’ve been through.

Try a three-step approach. First, put what you hear into words: “It sounds like something hurt you today.” Then ask about the specific situation: “What happened?” Once you know a little more, find out what your child needs: “Do you just want to tell me about it for now, or shall we think together about what to do?”

Listening doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. If your child has insulted someone, you can acknowledge their disappointment while also naming the behaviour that isn’t acceptable. For example: “I understand that you were angry. But it’s not okay to call people names.”

In a difficult moment, pay attention to your own pace, too. A long lecture can shut down a conversation before you find out what matters. One calm question can do more than five well-meant pieces of advice.

It’s important not to try to fix your child’s mood at all costs. Being heard can itself be the first form of support.

Try it out: The next time your child complains, first sum up how they feel in one sentence. Then ask one open question. Save your advice until you understand what’s really going on.