How to help when you don’t know the right words

Helping doesn’t always mean solving the problem

A friend tells you they’re going through a difficult time. You might want to offer advice straight away, reassure them that “everything will be fine,” or share a similar story of your own. But none of these responses may be what they need right now.

Start simply: “I’m sorry you’re going through this. Would you like me to listen, or should we think of something together?” This gives the other person a chance to choose what kind of conversation they want. You don’t have to pretend you know exactly what they’re going through.

If you don’t know what to say, honesty may be better than a stock phrase: “I can’t find the right words, but I’m here and I’m listening.” Then allow some silence. You don’t have to fill every pause with another suggestion.

Offer practical help that’s specific and realistic. Instead of a general “Let me know if you need anything,” you could say: “I could bring you some groceries tomorrow, if that would help.” But don’t make promises you can’t keep.

If the other person doesn’t want to talk, respect that. You can let them know they can reach out when they’re ready. If you have good reason to worry about an immediate safety risk, that’s different; it’s important to seek appropriate help rather than simply waiting for them to agree to a regular conversation.

Try it out: Prepare two short sentences: one offering to listen and another offering specific help. Notice whether you’re giving the other person room to decline or change your offer.