You can see behaviour, not other people’s intentions

Empathy isn’t the ability to read minds

A colleague is quieter than usual during a meeting. You might think she’s offended, tired, or disagrees with your suggestion. But so far, all you’ve observed is that she spoke less. You don’t know why.

Distinguish the cue from your interpretation. A cue might be an averted gaze, a short reply, or a change in tone. Your interpretation is your assumption about what it means. The same behaviour can have many causes and may have nothing to do with you.

Instead of “I know you’re angry with me,” try a more neutral question: “I got the sense you had less room to speak today. Is there anything you’d like to add about the proposal?” The other person can answer, correct your impression, or say they don’t want to discuss it.

Checking doesn’t have to feel like an interrogation. In work-related conversations, it’s often better to ask about a specific obstacle than about personal feelings: “Is there a risk with the deadline that we’re overlooking?” This respects their privacy.

If someone says, “Everything’s fine,” you don’t have to make them explain further. Unless there’s a safety issue, give them space. If practical difficulties keep coming up, you can address specific behaviour without making claims about their emotions.

Try it out: Think of a time when you assumed you knew what someone else intended. Write down only what you actually observed and one question you could ask to check what it means.